Monday, December 31, 2012

Blogging to keep sane

I was sitting here a year ago today having a look at my blog statistics for the previous six years and I noticed I had been blogging on average every two days for the previous two years. I knew blogging every day was impossible given how much life takes over but I wondered if I could actually average a post a day over a month-long period. I decided to try over 2012 to blog the correct number of times monthly to reach a final target of 366 by today. As it was unlikely that I'd manage it, I decided to keep my little challenge to myself. Given this is my 31st post of December and 366th of the year, I will finally reveal to my husband (and others) what I was trying to achieve! And then I'll pat myself on the head for managing it, despite 2012 being the hardest year of my life so far...

I guess at times ranting or musing on here has represented the tiny corner of sanity and normality in a year that has seen several trips to hell and back. Being able to retreat here has brought calm and making myself do so has given me the strength to get up in the morning on days I would rather have hidden under the duvet. I know it is a trivial pursuit but if it saves you in some way, it has its merits.

2012 started with more of dad's terminal illness (which had been ongoing since Summer 2010). The joy of his still being with us was mixed with the daily dread that it would be finite. January quickly brought  a downturn in relations with my ex as he embarked on another divorce and an affair with a new woman. The on-off nature of that left the kids jumpy and confused, as they didn't know what they'd be going to on his weekends. I withdrew custody and had to put up with a lot of email ranting. Easter saw dad's hospitalization and May brought his sudden death and all the fall-out that goes with that. (To be honest, I haven't even started to skim the surface of that. I will blog it when I am ready but I am still not ready). Later in May my father-in-law injured his foot (on the way to his brother's funeral (which meant suddenly having to get eight of us to Tuscany at a few weeks' notice). The first three quarters of the year was characterized by erratic (to say the least) job extremes - from times of no work to trying to fit in 40 hour weeks with all five kids at home on holiday. Summer saw the complete breakdown in my kids' relationship with their father and a legal battle to stabilize that. Shockingly it also saw my ex's mother, brother and sister disown my kids, who love them dearly in favour of their father's twisted view of reality. That isn't something any mother ever wants to see their children go through, especially a few short months after losing their other grandparent. Autumn brought the sudden death of a dear university friend (the emotional ups and downs that go with helping her mother to clear out her house, and left the rest of the uni group clinging to each other lost in disbelief). I seem to have been ill on and off all winter (I guess life has run me down this year). December saw Marcel knock himself out the very night before his exams were due to start. Oh and as if that wasn't enough someone thought jury duty would be a wee added bonus to the week before Xmas - I didn't need that, I really didn't! Have I missed anything? Probably... To end on a positive note, there have been tiny glimmers in the dark... We added a new baby to the family in the shape of Catriona Angela. Also the schism in my ex's family allowed my nieces, my old brother-in-law and sister-in-law to break their seven year silence and allow me back into their lives. Talking to them daily, especially to my niece Isabelle who has sent me daily photos of her daughter for ten months now, has given me joy and peace.

As I sit listening to the radio hearing how 2012 has been an outstanding year with DJs gibbering on about Jubilees, Olympics, and Andy Murray I feel I am in a different dimension. 2012 has been miles from an outstanding year. I know most of the disasters of 2012 in my life have been very personal, but the media doesn't even seem aware of the recession (I guess that's London for you).

I have a sneaking suspicion 2013 isn't going to bring a major upturn, but hopefully it'll be quieter from a personal perspective... As long as I have my rock (Thomas) and my five babies, I'll survive another year.

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