Picture the scene. Lots is five (pictured above). We've gone shopping in East Kilbride and I have been dragging her round clothing shops looking for new clothes for all the kids. (At this point that meant Marcel (8) and Léon (newborn). She is getting bored as I look through rails of stuff in both Next and then Primark. The place is mobbed. Losing her focus on what I am doing she starts to dance around one of those square mirrored pillars making funny faces at herself. I am a good five metres away but she's fully in my line of vision so I am unconcerned. I see her singing and laughing at her reflection when suddenly she stops aghast. Once or twice she opens her mouth as if to burst into song and then it comes... that moment every parent dreads - you know - when you wish you hadn't taught your child to speak! Across the shop, past the grannies, workers and other children my five year old shouts at the top of her lungs 'Muuuuuummy! I've got a penis in my mouth!' Time seems to stand still as I try to imagine what she can possibly have said because of course it sounded like 'Muuuuuummy! I've got a penis in my mouth!' but she's five, so I must simply have misheard her. Everyone stops and silence descends. And then, because I have not replied, or manoeuvred myself and my newborn in a pram across to her quickly enough she shouts even louder 'Mummy, come and look! There's a penis in my mouth!!!' WTF!? I rush over as she repeats it several times more. As I get to her a large crowd has formed. She's completely oblivious but proudly opens her mouth wide, saying 'aahhh' and points to her uvula announcing - 'Look, a tiny penis hanging at the back of my mouth, it looks just like Léon's!' I'm not sure I've ever been back to EK since - too embarrassed!
Who'd be a parent?????