ALASTAIR CAMPBELL

Camels - Jahrah Desert, Kuwait
Originally uploaded by QuiteLucid

I think I've been living with the politics nerd too long...
On Tuesday Léon graduated from nursery. We were invited in for strawberries, shortbread and a little concert. The kids sang a dozen songs, some chosen by the teachers some by the kids themselves. What will we sing now? asked the head teacher. Little Beth suggested Alastair Campbell! How strange, I thought... Why would the kids want to sing about the Labour party? Of course they then all proceeded to sing Alice the camel. D'oh!

RYANAIR AGAIN, ON A MORE LIGHTHEARTED NOTE

My dad just emailed me this and I thought my fellow Ryanair-haters may be amused by it.

Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary arriving at Dublin Airport and going into the bar for a pint of Guinness.
“That’ll be one Euro please,” said the barman.
A delighted O’Leary handed over his Euro and said: “That’s a great price.”
“Will you be wanting a glass with your Guinness, sir?” enquired the barman.

I think it'd have been better of course if O'Leary had been charged for his bar stool, his beer mat, the washing of his glass afterwards and the right to pay using cash, debit or credit card of course but you can't have everything ;-)

RYANAIR - A WEE THOUGHT

I was looking at flights from Stansted to Denmark on Ryanair just now. The flights were £11.99 each and the luggage charge was £20. That got me to thinking... I wonder what Ryanair would do if their customers started booking their luggage a seat instead of checking it in. I can see the form now: Mr Green Suitcase, Ms Navy-Blue Holdall... come on troops, let's give it a go. It's time people-power brought them to their senses ;-)

MEDICINE INSTRUCTIONS

Don't you love medicine instructions? We've all had the cough mixture for four year olds that warns them not to drive or operate machinery if the medicine makes them drowsy. Poor Amaia (aka the mushroom factory) has been suffering terribly from oral thrush since she was a few days old. We're on our third bottle of Nystan suspension and she's only five weeks old. I had to laugh though when I read the label. Unlike the other two bottles where the pharmacist had typed 1ml four times a day, this week's bottle says: 1ml four times a day, shake well before use, finish the course, keep in mouth for at least two minutes before swallowing! Now I know at five weeks Amaia is more advanced than she was at three or four but I am not sure she is able to follow this advice to the letter just yet!

APPLE

This is really amusing - especially if you aren't Apple's greatest fan.

WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT THIS!

Have you ever seen a weirder, less natural way of knitting than this???? I am married to a man who thinks this is how you knit! Hahahahaha!(He has significantly created very few garments in his 37 years though).
When I was a student I lived with a German girl who knitted every night. She did all sorts of weird things with her fingers and at times I wondered why she needed needles at all. Significantly, though we lived together on and off for 18 months, she never did complete a wearable knitted garment either. Here is what she did:

Of course every sane person knows that the only reasonable way to create baby clothes is the technique used here and in the States!

So now I'm away to knit a babysuit.

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED ESTATE AGENTS

Here's a classic, if ever I saw one - just check out that 20 second video. You've got to admire their balls!

DAD

Have I mentioned I am getting a bit concerned about my dad's sanity? It started with the train episode which had us all (except dad) in stitches. Then about a fortnight ago he phoned us in a panic... He'd password-protected a file on his pc and couldn't remember his password - when pressed about which file he'd password-protected, he replied it was his will. Now call me picky when it comes to detail but I can see an itsy bitsy problem with a will that is password-protected! Tonight we were round there for the evening. As we prepared to leave he said - Have you heard there's a very unique date and time coming up next week? Yes, I replied but before I had time to elaborate, he said Ten past nine on the 9th of the 9th 09! Ten past nine???? Hmmmm.

ANTIHISTAMINES FOR PUDGY PEOPLE

On our second night in Italy we noticed Marcel, Charlotte and I had been mosquitoed whereas Thomas, Pudge and Bits were spotless (literally). I'd been warned off antihistamines because of my pregnancy but we thought we'd check the instructions to see if either Lots or Marcel could have their itch relieved.
Apparently Tesco antihistamines can be used by anyone who is over the age of two and weighs at least 30kg. 30 kg sounded awfully heavy to me for a two year old so we weighed Pudge and he was 16kg. Even Charlotte was only 29kg and she's nearly 10! I guess they are expecting extremely heavy toddlers in Silverburn Tesco. Must be all those chips and deep fried pizzas they feed them in Pollock!

ONE SMALL STEP...

Isn't today's Google cute?
There are some events in history that we all feel bind us together in our humanity (through joy or through horror) such as the JFK assassination, the moon landing, the Berlin wall coming down or 911.
I, of course, have been teasing my toy boy all day given I actually sat and watched the moon landing live on TV and he wasn't even a glimmer in his parents' eye back then. Of course at 18 months (Anna's age) I don't remember a thing about it... but I don't have to tell him that, do I? ;-)

MY BABY?

I know Anna was born in a big hurry back in 2007 and probably never left my side for the 24 or so hours I was in hospital. I know too that she looks like half my family but I am beginning to have severe doubts she is my child... Could Thomas have been unfaithful? ;-) On Monday night Thomas cut her a slice of my beloved chocolate and vanilla cheesecake and offered her it. She played around with it for a bit not really interested and then asked for a Farley's rusk instead! Sacrilege!

NEW BED? MAYBE NOT?

 Lots in our new bedroom Originally uploaded by PhylB

This is our bed. There are many things I hate about our bed. The frame is IKEA but the mattress is a UK one so there's a 5cm gulf all around the mattress where the bed slips and slides and gathers dust and crumbs. Then there is the iron headboard. The width between the vertical bars isn't enough for one's back, so reading sitting up is painful and annoying. It squeaks and shakes and generally is not really sturdy enough for the number of people who often end up hugging in it. Mum and Dad offered to buy us a new bed as a wedding present, which will be nice if we ever get round to looking. One problem we (un)fortunately won't be having with any new bed is this! You've got to laugh, no?

NERDS

If your ears can stand this, it has to be admired for a nerd quality rarely seen!

AMERICAN PIE

If you are like me, that is to say in your late 30s or early 40s, you probably grew up with your parents blasting Don Mclean's American Pie at you on long car trips to holidays in England. American Pie is definitely a big slice of my childhood.
I was listening to the radio the other day and a tribute to Madonna came on - celebrating 30 years in showbiz, or however long it has been. I don't mind Madge - I'm not her greatest fan but I'm sure I can sing along to most of her bigger hits from hearing them on the radio. They played her version, sorry crucifixion, of American Pie. What was she thinking of? The woman should have been dragged outside and shot for this abomination! It starts horribly, and if you can hang on in there for a couple of minutes, actually gets worse - amazing!

A CULTURAL DIFFERENCE OR A FAMILY DIFFERENCE?

M-Budget Kitchen Rolls
Originally uploaded by iwouldstay

Is it a Danish thing, or is it simply a Widmann thing?
I am compelled, from curiosity, to blog this as it has been puzzling me ever since I moved in with Thomas. You see, if it turns out to be a Danish thing rather than just a Widmann thing I swear we should all buy kitchen roll shares in Denmark and then retire!
I grew up in a house where there was always a kitchen roll hanging in the kitchen. We used it when someone spilled their coffee or if a child sneezed and we couldn't quickly find a hanky. That was about it.
We had it but it wasn't a big part of our life.
When I left home I didn't really bother with kitchen roll and when I lived with André, we bought it occasionally but 70% of the time we had none at all.
When I sneezed there I used a tissue, or loo roll (that I can't live without!!). When someone dropped a coffee, I'd throw a tea towel over it and then put the tea towel in the wash. To clean the table I'd use one of those little sponges which is green on one side, rough on the other. I dried the table with a blue cloth, which I would also wash afterwards. I never actually needed kitchen roll.
Then I moved in with Thomas and on our first shop in ASDA he bought a pack of six. Handy to have around, I assumed. A week later he bought 6 more, and so it went on!
His family came for the wedding. The pound has crashed against the Danish currency so his family had great days out at Silverburn stocking up on shoes, clothes, suits etc. They'd come home each time arms full of bags from various designer outlets, but I had to laugh because both his mum and his sister dropped into the big 24 hour Tesco and bought a six pack of kitchen roll for use here too! (His sister was only here 48 hours!!!)
If the UK was repopulated by Danes/or Widmänner tomorrow then landfill would be overflowing with kitchen roll by a week on Tuesday!
They use half a roll at each meal. They wet it and use it as a cloth to wash the table, then dry it with another 10 sheets, the pile of used kitchen roll taking over the bin. If they bake a cake in the kitchen and get chocolate, flour and icing sugar over 15 square metres, they happily go through 4 kitchen rolls cleaning the kitchen from head to toe! Now I don't argue with the fact that it must be more hygienic, but maybe it is the mean old Scot in me, but I just couldn't use pounds and pounds of kitchen roll after cooking every meal. I am happy for Thomas to come round the kitchen after I have used my trusty sponge and cloth, and wipe each surface once more with a sheet of the white stuff if it makes him happier but if I was expected to use a whole kitchen roll every day I'd be quaking at the expense. Amazingly, when Thomas runs out of the stuff (not that that happens often!) he is actually happy to use half a toilet roll to clean the dining room rather than a cloth. That is really weird, it just isn't absorbent enough to wet and use as a cloth to my mind!
Anyway I am really intrigued as to whether I have just stumbled upon a kitchen-roll-loving family or if the whole of Denmark is overflowing with used kitchen roll!?

PROOF OF REINCARNATION

Anyone who knew my old Gramps will see a bit of a family resemblance in this most recent photo of Anna. He often looked a bit like this on New Year's Eve himself if I remember correctly. All we need now is for her to burst into I belong to Glasgow or call me Hen and I'll know there's something to be said for the reincarnation theory.

PREDICTIVE TEXTING

Me and my pal
Originally uploaded by PhylB

I have this dear friend called Carol. I have known her for 18 years and she's one of those caring, loving friends that you know will be there for you through thick and thin. In fact there is only one thing that Carol does that drives me batty and that is the way she texts! When my phone shouts at me Mum, you got a text! in Charlotte's voice, I know there is a message waiting for me. I open it and invariably it is from Thomas, or Marcel or Amanda. Occasionally it says from Carol. Then I start to shake in fear and anticipation of the message awaiting. I know it will be harder to decipher than Egyptian hieroglyphics.
Here is one she sent me on Monday:

• Jst red it. On way out. P'l b here4A s6 let me no when suits+cd u email Sab2let her no when we'l meet her@restrant?

I know her phone does predictive texting because it is the same as my old one, so I wonder why she goes to all the bother of writing in Greek!
She got in my car and I asked if she'd mind texting Thomas for me as I was driving. I threw her my phone.
What should I write? she asked.
Rose St corner I replied.
Thomas had just asked where I would meet him to give him Anna.
A shriek of panic, Oh my God, you've got it doing that thing! she said, you've got on predictive texting
Of course I have - it cuts down the key strokes by 75%, what sane person wouldn't have it on??? So she hits the PQRS button three times, then the MNO button three more and gets the word: Spron.
I say wooooah, no Carol hit PQRS once, she looks very dubious, like I have advised her to go out shopping in a bikini in December, but does it anyway.
Then do I hit MNO 3 times? she asks
Nonononono - just once. Now she looks dumbfounded, she hits it once, I tell her to hit PQRS once more and of course my phone starts to form the word ROSE, she nearly falls off her seat. She asks if it'll work out 'st' from PQRS followed by TUV and is gobsmacked when I reply yes.
Don't tell me I am finally starting to convert her? Maybe that wouldn't be such a good thing. She is one of a kind - the only one I know who texts in gobbledygook and the only one who sets my mind a mental challenge. If I convert her to predictive texting then I'll no longer approach a Carol text with a mix of fear and astonishment. I won't rant about her texts or laugh about them. I guess what will be will be...
I love you Carol just for being you!

CRYSTAL BALLS

A Sterling ad in Billund airport
Originally uploaded by PhylB

I wonder if Sterling would have come up with this ad if they'd known they would go bankrupt last month!? I did feel like scrawling I wouldn't under it with my lipstick but it wouldn't have shown up against the red background!

SOULMATES

How do you know when you've found your soulmate? Maybe it is when you talk and talk and talk and never run out of words. Maybe it is when you hug and kiss and never run out of love. Maybe it is when your bodies fit together perfectly. Maybe it is defined by shared interests and hobbies. Or maybe it is when you find someone who knows you well enough to find the perfect present for you even if others might overlook it in a shop or think it crazy... By the way do you like the pink knives and new tools that Thomas bought me?

HOW TO TELL WHO IS THE FOREIGNER

If you have never lived abroad, this scenario probably has never occurred to you. Imagine you get posted alone to a foreign country - it needn't be far - say somewhere else in Europe. You go to the supermarket and you find a local delicacy with no instructions, but being adventurous, you buy it anyway. An example: when Thomas first moved to Scotland he happened upon potato scones. Fresh, he had no idea what they were. He realized they were savoury so grated cheese on them and made them into a warm toastie with a cheese centre. I'm sure they tasted fine but left in a room full of Scots the large arrow pointing at him would have been screaming foreigner, perhaps even foreign weirdo! Last week in Denmark Dad couldn't pretend he didn't know what a Danish pastry was but the arrow was definitely pointing at him when he topped his with Camembert 'just to take the edge off the sweetness'. It was just too weird for the natives!